| THE LOST YEAR: 2006 RATED: NOT RATED RUN TIME: 119 MINS DIRECTOR: CHRIS SIVERTSON STARRING: MARC SENTER, SHAY ASTAR, ALEX FROST, MEGAN HENNING MY RATING: 2/5 CATEGORY: SOCIOPATHIC ANTI-HERO ARTHOUSE BULLSHIT It’s probably not gonna come as much of a surprise to anyone that, before sitting through The Lost, I didn’t have a fucking clue who Jack Ketchum was, is, or ever will be. To be honest, I still don’t have much of a clue and, again, after sitting through The Lost, can’t say I have too awful much interest. Yeah, it was that bad. I’m gonna come clean with you fiends – the only reason I bothered to lay out the money to see The Lost was because I received an inconspicuous email with a clip of Misty Mundae’s nude seen from the movie. This came in the first, oh, two or three minutes of the movie and shit was downhill from there. Straight downhill. It may not be a rarity that Misty’s nekkid body (which, for those wondering, still looks as great as ever – maybe even a little better) is the highpoint of any given movie, but it is a rarity that it comes that quick (no pun intended) and nothing else ever fucking happens. Well, other stuff does happen, it just kind of sucks. What we have here is yet another of those depressing for the sake of being depressing, “realistic” looks at some crazy motherfucker that’s not fun, entertaining, gross, gory, scary, particularly interesting or anything else. It’s just an excuse to make some sort of an arthouse flick, scrape together a bunch of nudity from some surprisingly hot chicks, and mentally masturbate into a DVD case for all to see. Eloquent, ain’t I? However, in the interest of not appearing to be as much of a dick as The Lost’s antagonist (or is it protagonist?), I will say there are a few positives here not perfectly positioned on Misty Mundae’s equally perfect abdomen. The acting is surprisingly decent from all involved, there’s plenty of great nudity from most of the female cast, and the eventual bloodbath (read: the last fifteen or so minutes of the movie) is actually pretty good considering what proceeded it. I don’t know that I’d say any of that is worth the price of admission, but hey, it’s better than nothing… Scenes To Look Out For: - How is it that a movie with an opening that fucking great (I’m referring, of course, to the aforementioned Misty nakedness) could descend into an utter shit storm that fucking quickly? - I know it’s a movie and all but how is it that we’re expected to believe an ugly pockmarked dick like Ray Pye gets that much ass while a perfectly serviceable drive-in movie reviewer (who, to the best of anyone’s knowledge anyway, has never, ever committed a homicide) is left holding his…laptop? Do chicks really go for assholes that much, or did we just need that montage of him scoring with half of Bugtussel to fill time between his acting like a socially retarded idiot and the movie’s other, less tangible plot points? - Sorry darlin’, but when you’re trying to stuff his brains back into his head I’d say it’s officially become a lost cause. A Peter Jackson movie this ain’t. The Story: Ray Pye’s a fucking idiot, a fucking psycho, and arguably one of the world’s biggest douchebags – probably not the best pony to bet the whole farm on, but hey, it’s worked before, so why not give it another shot, right? Anyway, good ol’ Ray murders a couple of pretty girls in the woods for no other reason than he figures they’re lesbians (which, if you ask me, would actually be a pretty good reason not to murder them, but then again, I’m still playing with most of my deck) and pretty much flushes his life down the toilet. Not that there was much to flush, but anything’s better than the shit this guy’s into. Anyway, he and his deadbeat friends hang around, do drugs, fuck, fight, and pretty much make complete and total clowns of themselves for most of the movie until Ray realizes he’s actually a loser and the inevitable bloodbath ensues. After Shocks: For future reference it probably isn’t the best idea in the world to invest better than twenty bucks (I ended up with both Ketchum DVDs for those wonderin’) on a flick based on a 37 second clip you got off the internet. Chances are you’ve already seen the best the movie has to offer and the rest is, well, the rest is lost. Get that? Fucking clever, I know. Anyway, if you dig the depressing, drug-fuelled, crazy motherfucker flicks that’ve become so popular among indie filmmakers these days (which, coincidentally, are the same flicks Misty started in), you just might dig Jack Ketchum’s The Lost. If, however, you’re looking for a horror movie, or a decent b-movie, or really anything other than a depressing trip through some Norman Bates wannabe’s backwater town you’ll want to pass on this one. I’m gonna call it a 2 out of 5 and both of those stars are for the first minute of the flick. Do what I should have done and download the Misty clip and skip the rest of this garbage – not recommended. |
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